SUSPECT YOUR TEEN IS USING DRUGS OR DRINKING?    

In this Section:

  • WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU THINK YOUR SON or DAUGHTER IS USING ALCOHOL, TOBACCO OR OTHER DRUGS
  • IF YOUR CHILD IS CURRENTLY UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR OTHER DRUGS:
  • SIX STEPS: TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT ALOCHOL AND OTHER DRUGS
  • FOLLOW UP OPTIONS
  • IS IT OK TO SEARCH YOUR CHILD'S ROOM/CAR/BACKPACK?

Despite all of your efforts to keep your kids drug-free, one day you might suspect that your son or daughter is using drugs or alcohol. Perhaps you have found an odd-looking pipe in his room, cans and bottles in the car or rolling papers in her laundry. Or you overheard a conversation not meant for you. Whatever the signal, your gut instinct has been activated. How do you know if you need to do anything? What do you do now? Where do you turn for help?

Every day, approximately 4,700 American youth under age 18 try marijuana for the first time. That is about equal to the enrollment of six average-sized U.S. high schools. In 2003, nearly nine out of 10 twelfth graders reported marijuana as being accessible. By the time they finish the eighth grade, approximately 50 percent of adolescents have had at least one drink, and more than 20 percent report having been “drunk.”  Drug and alcohol use by teens increases the risk of addiction and can change the developing brain for life. Despite these statistics, one thing remains true: Parents are the most important influence in a teen’s decisions about drug use. You can and do make a difference. If you suspect or know that your child is using drugs, take action now, because the longer you wait, the harder it will be to deal with your child’s drug use.

Parents.  The Anti-Drug.  Suspect your teen is teen is using drugs or drinking?  A Brief Guide to Action for Parents.  Brochure.

 

WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU THINK YOUR SON or DAUGHTER                                  IS USING ALCOHOL, TOBACCO OR OTHER DRUGS

Be Wary of Denial

Denial is a way of coping with painful situations that allows a person to avoid dealing with a problem.  There is a element of shame and inadequacy associated with alcohol and other drug use.  Many adults feel helpless and feel that they can take care of the problem in the family itself.  It is never too late or too early to act.

Confront the Problem

Agree on a course of action with your spouse or other adult family member BEFORE talking with your child.  Be open and honest with your feelings, but do not let anger or fear overwhelm your effectiveness to communicate. 

DO let your child know that you do not condone his or her behavior.

DO set new guidelines and limits for your child's behavior.

DO become more aware of your child's activities.

IF YOUR CHILD IS CURRENTLY UNDER THE INFLUENCE                                           OF ALCOHOL OR OTHER DRUGS:

RIGHT NOW:

DO try to remain cool and calm.

DO try to find out what he or she has taken and under what circumstances.

DO call a doctor or take your child to the hospital if he or she is incoherent and/or seriously ill.

DO tell your child that you will talk about the matter the next day.

DON"T shout, excuse or use physical force.  This will only make matters worse.

THE NEXT DAY:

DO talk to your child as soon as possible and have them assume responsibility for their actions, including clean-up.

DO try to find out the circumstances under which your child came to use, including others who were with them.  Consider calling the other young people's parents.

DO seek help from community supporters: medical , mental health, legal or self-help groups.

DON'T name call, belittle, blame, threaten or discuss anything with your child if you are too angry.  Mutual respect should be safeguarded.

DO enforce consequences, e.g., loss of privileges such as driving.

SIX STEPS: TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT ALOCHOL AND OTHER DRUGS

Step 1 - "I care"

Tell your child that you care about him or her.  Attempt to build upon your relationship to help reduce the potential defensiveness in your child.  An example of this approach is "I care about you, and I don't want you go get hurt."

Step 2 - "I see"

In this step you need to tell your child what he or she has done that has caused you concern.  Just give the facts, not your opinion, based upon what you have seen or found.  An ecample of this is "When you came in last night, you were three hours late and smelled like alcohol."

Step 3 - "I feel"

This is where you tell your child about how this behavior or discovery has make you feel.  Be sure to take away any blame from this step.  For example, "I am really worried that you might get hurt or killed."

Step 4 - "Listen"

This step has to be one of the most important.  You will need to listen to what the adolescent has to say about his or her drug use or drinking behaviors.  Some may not say anything at all at this point, but it is useful to allow this opportunity for the young person to tell his or her side.  It is possible that your child is not ready to talk.  You can tell him or her that you are available to listen to what he or she has to say another time.

Step 5 - "I want"

After hearing your child's side, you need to tell him or her what you want to happen next and what you want your child to do.  For example, "I dont' want you to use drugs at all."  Reinforce that you "want" him or her to continue seeing a therapist if the problem does not get better.

Step 6 - "I will"

This final step is where you tell your child what you will and will not do in order to help him or her with this problem.  Some may choose to be available to just listen when the young person chooses to discuss the issue.  Ohter parents may choose to make an appointment with a chemical health counselor.  The best time to talk is when you have calmed down from the inital shock of learning about your child's use of alcohol or other drugs.  You will need to find a place to talk where you can't be interrupted.  The time to talk is not while your child is still under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.  If the problem persists, encourage your child to make an appointment withe a therapist.

Adaped from Roger Svendsen (2006) Walking the Talk: A program for paretns about alcohol, tobacco and other drugs use and non use. 2d ed. Anoka Minn: Minnesota Institute of Public Health.

FOLLOW UP OPTIONS

You are faced with a painful and scary reality that many parents are not ready for, or equipped to deal with.  The feelings you have may be intense or overwhelming.  It is important for you and your child that you not allow your feelings to cloud your decision making process.

This is a time for you to CAREFULLY PLAN your response to your child's possible chemical use and take positive action.

At htis point many parents ask "What Do I Do Now?"  Some parents believe that chemical use by an adolescent is only experimentation and a normal part of the adolescent life stage.  A phse they will grow out of.  Others believe that if the adolescent gets into enough trouble they will stop using mild altering chemicals on their own.

Our philosophy is that theuse of mind-altering substances is such a risk to the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and intellectual development of a young person that their use cannot be tolerated for any reason.  Addiction occurs in a very short period of time for adolescents (about six months).  As a paretns you have options:

Option ONE:  Ask our child to submit to a drug test.

This is a help tool to help the child back trust or to confirm the suspicions of a paretns.  A drug test can be administered through a medical facility or at a chemical dependency treatment program (see Resources).  Also, this can be a tool for students to remain sober.  Students agreeing to random drug tests can use this fact to turn down the drugs offered by friends and to avoid further trouble. 

Option TWO:  Get a Chemical Dependency Evaluation for your child.

If your chld is using drugs of abuse he/she has a relationship with chemicals.  A chemical dependency evaluation done by an addiction counselor could give more information about the nature and extent of the relationship.  If your child is expereinceing family, legal, academic, or personal problems, or is working far below either potential, chemcial abuse may be an underlying cause.

Option THREE:  Enroll your child in a drug education program.

Drug education programs are designed to provide paretns and adolescents with infomration about drug abuse and harmful consequences so that family discussions and family decisions can be made on an informational level and not an emotional level.

Option FOUR:  Seek more information.

As a parent you have a right to seek more information about your child and their chemical use.  Contact his/her school to get progress reports from teachers, counselors, etc.  Contact parents of your child's friends to learn more about his/her friends and their habits and hobbies.  Other parents may have concerns or information they could share with you to shed more light on your child's behavior and chemical use.  Read books, magazine articles and any other sources (see Resources) of information about drugs of abuse.  Information in a powerful tool in fighting adolescent chemcial abuse.  Get yourself into counseling to assist in developing strategies for dealing with this issue.

Option FIVE:  Create or join a support group.

Sharing your experiences with other parents will help to empower you and break the sense of isolation that can surround this issue.  Other parents may have experiences or informaiton that is helpful to you.

IS IT OK TO SEARCH YOUR CHILD'S ROOM/CAR/BACKPACK?

If you have the question about whether or not you should search your child's room, there probably are specific concerns or alarms that have been sounded for you.  Searching your child's room, car, or backpack without their consent or knowledge can feel like a breach of trust.

Keep these three thoughts in mind:

  1. The need to maintain and protech a child's safety/health overrides their right to privacy. 
  2. Chemcial abuse/dependency is a sneaky, cunning and dishonest process.  Sometimes parents have to be less than forth-right in getting to teh bottom of the truth. 
  3. Be prepared to find something.  Many times your gut intuitions are right and they need to be followed-up.  So have a plan of what you will do if you find something.

You have two options available in doing a room search:

  1. Search the room with your teen and spend a good deal of time going through some of the suggested steps in this section.
  2. Search his/her room alone and gather data for later intervention.

If you feel there is a total breach in the relationship with your child, it may be less volatile to serach their room alone.  You can deal witht the confrontation later if you have confirmed your concerns by finding alcohol, drugs, or paraphernalia.

How to search a room:

Find a time when you can conduct an overall search.  Look in areas that are teh most hidden spaces in your teen's room.  Some suggestions include:  shoeboxes, inside the facing of stereo speakers, underneath lamps, inside ceiling tiles, inside clothing packets in closets, inside small containers in the room [i.e. snuff boxes, 35mm film containers (see Definitions and Descriptions)].

Make sure that you leave things as undisturbed as possible.  If your child knows you are searching he/she will hide things even better.

When you are in his/her room at other times, take a few minutes to look beyond where you normally would look (e.g. when putting laundry away, look in teh back of the drawer or underneath clothing usually not worn).  Look for signs or something out of the ordinary.

Look in other places in your home (e.g. out of season clothing, backpack, family room in basement, car, garage).  Also check places close to where the teen comes and goes (front closet, laundry room).

Drug paraphernalia (see Definitions and Descriptions) is as revealing as finding actual drugs.  You can tell what kinds of drugs a teen is using by the paraphernalia found.  Look for the following items:  rolling papers, piping/tubing of any kind, metal screens, raoch clips, Visine, used foil, small thin metal cigarette (one-hitter), any sort of pipe or pipe devices, (e.g. metal, glass, wood, paper), and small containers used to store pot (chew containers, baggies, 35mm film containers).  These containers may have brown powder or seeds in them.

Conduct repeated room searches for a period of time.  Teens can be using for periods without actually possessing the chemicals.

Call the School Resource Officer or County Sheriff's Department and have them bring a drug dog to the home.

What to do IF You Find Something

Contront your teen with the discovery and initiate some form of intervention (see 6 Steps above).  In this confrontations, a parent can tell something was found and not tell them specifically what it was or how it was found.  Don't let them put you on the defensive.  Make them do teh work of explaining.

Possible Resources to Assist in the Confrontation/Intervention

      • Chemical Health Coordinator
      • School Resource Officer/Police
      • A therapist independent of the school district
      • Your employee assistance program
      • Clergy or youth minister
      • Extended family member who has been in recovery or has a strong connection with your teen

Typical Forms of Defensiveness

Denial - where your child ourtight lies to you even if there is overwhelming evidence to suggest you have "the goods" on them.  Denial is a way to shut out the truth and protect their "using" lifestyle.

Minimizing - where your child makes the issues out to be nothing/not a big deal.  Your teen will make you feel as if you are over-reaching (i.e "I only did it once, it was just a little bit.  All the kids have tried it, you are out of touch").

Rationalizing - where your child makes excuses for their behavior.  Their "logic" may make sense to no one else, but they have justified their choices.  This is where parents feel like their child makes no sense to them and can not talk "rationally" anymore.

Beware of Threats and Bargains:

When teens run out of options they will often resort to desperate measures.  They may threaten to run away, hurt themselves, never let you see them again, or some other threats that push your buttons of fear/loss.  Other teens promise you they will become angelic or change in some global fashion.  Both of these behaviors often are ploys in avoiding taking responsibility for the issues/problems that underpin why and how they are in trouble.

Getting Help:

Many times parents by this point are feeling guilty or shameful for having "failed".  Some parents are very angry and feeling estranged from their teen.  This is not a time to isolate or go into denial yourself.  It is time to access good information, get support for yourself, and engage in a process that can get to teh bottom of what is impacting your teen/family.

Intervention Resources, Lakewood Counseling and Career Center: 1999.